Image: Maggie Gaudean Winters Photography
Something I’ve seen lately in the wedding vendor space, are vendors posting about their spouses in a certain way. What’s wrong with that you might ask (as I often do it too)? Well, it’s the way they talk about their husbands and the words they use that has come to bother me enough to write my thoughts down about it.
I find that vendors seem to be putting their husbands up on pedestals, saying they are so “lucky” to have gotten the chance to marry them. The language they use seems to insinuate that they are less than their husbands; that their husbands are such higher beings that it’s almost incredulous that they chose their wives to marry.
This language makes me feel strange. It feels off and wrong and I just only realized why it made me feel that way – because it makes it feel like the individual members of the couple are not equals; that the male is greater than the female. That the wife is not worthy of her husband.
A long time ago I wrote about my husband on this blog and I used the word partner more than once in the post. Andy is very much my partner and my equal in life and in our relationship. We are both flawed individuals that work hard to be better people for ourselves, for each other, for our families & now for our daughter. This isn’t a matter of deserving each other – it’s a matter of working hard because we want to be together in a committed relationship that lasts.
Putting your husband on a pedestal seems a bit dangerous to me. It sets unrealistic expectations and though I am not a doctor or psychologist, I can’t imagine it’s healthy to imagine your husband as someone who is better than yourself; or who is someone you don’t deserve. I also am not sure it’s so great to constantly build your husband up into this space of perfection, where he might feel like he can’t ever actually live up to the expectation you have put out there.
I’d also say I can’t help but feel that there’s a social media lens being put over these posts. When women posts images with captions like “OMG this guy! What did I do to deserve him?!” – they get likes & comments. I want to respond, um – you’re a hardworking, beautiful, successful business owner … let’s start there.
I doubt this post will change many minds or stop those posts I see from happening, but I couldn’t help myself from sharing my opinions on this and wondering if others felt the same way. Personally for me, recognizing that Andy and I were equals in our relationship, not only helped my self-esteem but helped me to not put him in some unattainable atmosphere of husbandry. Andy “chose” me to spend his life with because I was worthy of being chosen. We are partners, equals, and perfect compliments to each other and we both deserve each other because we are both willing to put in the work it requires to stay together.
[editor’s note: I wrote this post using heterosexual examples and terms because the examples I referenced were all women speaking about their husbands. As you know I’ve always tried to make this blog an inclusive space for ALL couples, so I just wanted to share why I used the more hetero speech/example here.]