Today is Evie’s first birthday (happy birthday nugget!). And I’ve had this post brewing in my mind for quite some time. Little pieces here and there, but never found the time to actually sit down and write the whole thing out. So as we got closer to the big mile marker, I figured I would wait until her actual birthday to blog it. So here it goes:
For some reason I cannot at all remember now, Andy & I both agreed (secretly and not so secretly) that we wanted a boy. I have doodles from college that show mine & Andy’s family with 2 boys and our youngest being a girl (we even had names – wow we were young and in love!). Boy, boy, girl. That was the order I thought would be perfect for our family. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
The second you were born, before the midwife could even tell me your sex, I knew you were a girl. That might sound unbelievable but it’s true. Instead of asking “what is it?”, I asked “girl?”, confirming what I already knew. And from that point on, the thought of so vehemently wanting a boy for our first child was gone forever.
When I try to think back on the reasons why I wanted a boy, I think it was mostly fear. Fear that I couldn’t handle a girl’s emotional being. Fear that I couldn’t handle the way other girls might treat mine (girls can be so mean!). Fear that my daughter might get the same insecurities I possess. Fear that I couldn’t properly raise a strong, independent woman.
But instead of the fear I once felt initially, I am instead filled these days with so much determination instead. I am determined to raise a woman that can absolutely handle female emotions (even if her mother can not). That can absolutely handle other girls and the way they might treat her. That can absolutely rise above the insecurities that so many women possess. And that will be as strong and independent as she wants or needs to be.
(Evie at 9 months)
As I reflect back on this past year with you, I can’t help but realize how much you’ve changed me and caused me to grow as a person and as a woman. I’ll admit that I expected motherhood to change me (how could it not?) but I thought it might give me more patience or help me to cut back on my sarcasm. It hasn’t, (sorry Andy!) but instead it’s given me something I did not expect to gain: confidence.
Maybe it’s because I don’t have the time anymore to get lost down the social media comparison clickhole or maybe it’s because when you have a whole other human to worry about, worrying about competition or not being as good as someone else, seems trivial, or perhaps it’s that my energy these days is completely maxed out between caring for you, my marriage, my day job, and this side hustle business of mine. There is no energy left for feeling sorry for myself or less than others.
You’ve already taught me so much in this first year I am excited (and ok, a tad apprehensive) at what year 2 will bring. But between your spunky, yet laid-back nature, and my newfound determination & confidence, I have a feeling that the exciting times will far outweigh the apprehensive ones.
Happy Birthday Evie. Love you so much!